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Sunday, March 12, 2017

Love starts here.

Well I've sat down to write, all set up here, outside, with my green smoothie and Tim's laptop. But the battery is about to die and there's no power access out here, so... I suppose it's not the time?



Is there any way that I can write something short, concise and straight to the point?

Probably not, considering I don't know the point. Every now and then I get the itch to write. In my notebook, or this laptop. Sometimes the stuff is pretty ace, the perfect way to start my day, totally inspiring. Other times, like now, I meander a little aimlessly, still needing to scratch the itch, but not totally aware why.



Sip of green smoothie.



I think my self esteem took more of a battering last year than I even realised at the time. Outwardly, I was the bustling young woman, starting up a new job, planning a wedding, running from wedding venues to hair trials to house inspections. But the chaos was drowning me. My skin was horrible, I was underweight, constantly seeking something to make me feel healthier, more glowing, more alive. My thoughts were a constant stream of 'you're running out of time' for everything. No time to get a dress. No time to book a venue. No time to heal from surgery. No time to clear up that god damn skin. Running from A to B, back to A. And what's going on with C?


So I was mid sentence and the laptop (albeit predictably) died. But anyway. The point - am I still trying to be concise? - is this: I wasn't acting from a place of self love. I was still doing yoga, meditating intermittently, eating well. But the spaces around those actions were contradictions. They were hate-filled. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, worthwhile enough. The cracks were showing. I wasn't sleeping properly, my day time energy fuelled by anxiety alone.


I really really want to heal this. I am no longer in my early twenties, convinced that Total Transformation is there to meet me at the next blog, live event, self-help book. I know that total transformation is a myth, a mirage. Life will be up and down. But the consistency I'm searching for is me - loving me. For who I am. Spots, scars, wrinkles, cellulite, frizzy hair and splotchy skin. All of it. The internal, the external. The quirks. The bursts of energy. The nights 'wasted' on the couch. The deep, inspired conversations. The confident days. The insecure days. All of it.


I want to give myself a hug and tell myself that I'm doing so well. That my morals and interests are expanding. My eyes are opening. I'm learning to be more kind and patient every day. I'm forgiving myself for binge eating rubbish, for binge watching Youtube, for drinking a little wine for a few nights each week. I need to let go of these 'good' and 'bad' labels that I've placed on everything. Some things even have both labels - the turmoil of a constant researcher.


Love starts here.
Stop your head, drop into your heart.


Love. Starts. Here.

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