Pre-clarity

In this time, I'm again finding myself feeling a little foggy, a little lost, a little scared.

The desire and dreams to want to make changes, combined with that fear-based mindset that says - I'm too old, it's too late, it's a waste of time.

I've been a bit wonky with my self care. My eating has lost it's healthy-morals. I'm not meditating, doing yoga or exercising on any sort of regular basis. I feel sporadic. Confused. Sometimes angry; spiteful. A bit negative.

I've been whinging a lot at work. I'm told to remove toxic people from my life, but that isn't always possible in a working environment. I stood alone in the tea room a few days ago, looking around at the empty space. These four walls that once symbolised new beginnings, belonging and comfort. My energy towards this workplace has altered. 'I'm done,' I whispered to myself; to the Universe. 'I'm done.'

It seems that once again, a holiday has arrived at a time of significant change, mindset shifts, redirection. Despite my fogginess and this pestering negativity, I know that this time away will serve me to recharge again, gain some perspective and return with clarity.

I can't go back and change things. I'm not even certain if I would if given the chance. I can only do what I can, in this given moment, and watch what unfolds next.

25 days.

The awkward first post

Hi there, lovely!

I'm Erin. And this is my Awkward First Blog Post.

(Glancing back before facing forward - a photo from May 2014 in Cairns, Australia.)

Except it's technically not. I started Lemongrass Love back in late 2012, and it was intended to be an avenue to 'get my shit sorted.' It reflected who I was back then - some positive insights, reflections on books and spiritual mentors, intertwined in some dark and occasionally disturbed thoughts as a result of some hefty life experiences.
It became a bit of a contradiction. The blog, which claimed to be written by someone 'dipping their toes into spirituality', become an uncomfortable mixture of the light/happy, and the downright murky. It was a total reflection of who I was at the time, unpredictable by the month, the week, the day.
So I stopped it. I stepped away. I needed to get back to walking my walk, before talking the talk. As much as it was therapeutic to write about my struggles, it was also anxiety-provoking in it's own right - what if someone I knew read this? A fear that I suppose many new bloggers face.

Life has since settled. It's still a little up and down, filled with those highs and lows that make it all so worthwhile. But I feel all the more ready to start writing on a public level again. I don't know if I have that much to share, we'll see as we go, but the difference now is that I am willing to share it.

So, thank you for stopping by to read a post that is a little cryptic and (as always) a bit rambly.
I'm so excited to get back into writing again.