Image my own
I won't bother with the full recap here. We know by now that the most important thing is how we feel in a given situation.
I felt light. I felt hope and faith and trust. I felt the angel spirit of my brother as the ocean kissed the shore. He was the sparkle in a local child's eye. His energy glimmered in the heaving midday heat. I brought B along with me, his first trip overseas, and I showed him around the markets of Phuket. I took him along as I road bareback on an elephant's shoulders. He shared our delicious meals. He fell in love with the underwater paradise as we snorkelled off Phi Phi Island.
As I showed him around, he sent me gifts.
In the form of love, gratitude and appreciation. Of comfort that he (and the Universe) have my back - big time. I'm tentatively learning to step out of my comfort zone. My faith is expanding. Can you feel it?
Before leaving for my holiday, I was excited. I knew that this was going to be powerful, because I was making it that way. I was putting aside time to not only soak up the rays, or swim in the pool. I was putting aside time to journal, to read, and to listen to podcasts by Gabrielle Bernstein which positively drip with inspiration.
I wrote down ideas for blog posts as they popped into my mind. I awaited the inspiration for the perfect title for my new blog - the website I was intent on starting up as soon as I got home.
But I won't be starting a new website.
Instead? Well, in a total turn of events - I'm deleting this blog.
Silencing is actually a more preferred term here... I'm raising my index finger to my lips and softly whispering Shhhh...
But just for a little while.
This wasn't the plan, not at all. But as I laid in bed at 2am this morning, the jet lag toying with my sleep cycle, I knew this was what I needed. I need to step right back to being a student of this self love world. I need to remove the blog, because in all honesty, right now it's just as much a distraction as it is a motivation.
My ego feeds off page views and comments. It's relishing in my steady increase of daily hits. It's envious of those with successful blogs, with their sparkly, beautiful web design.
And it's putting me off my game. I was beginning to lose what was important, as well as my Truth.
So I'm letting go for awhile.
I'm going to walk the 'self-walk' before I talk the 'self-talk.'
I'll still be writing. In my pale blue journal that has been serving me for almost a year now, I'll be jotting down the important stuff. I'll amp up my authenticity and release my perfectionism, and just write.
Holding my hand through this will be the beautiful Gabby Bernstein and her newly released book May Cause Miracles. I have faith that this book is going to help me. Gabby knows her shit, and most of all - I'm beyond ready for this.
Starting immediately after I post this, all my other blog posts will be switched over to private.
I'll be returning when I know the time is right.
I know I need to be writing - that's been one certainty for me since I could first spell my name.
But I know, more than anything, that I need to look within first.
I'm clearing up the (ego dominated) trash, I'm decluttering my distractions, and I'm getting real.
Thank you all for your love and support over these difficult months. June the 7th marks one year since B's death, and I can't quite believe it. I'll spend the day in intermittent stillness, prayer and meditation. And of course I'll be with my beautiful family.
Love and light your way, sisters. I'll speak with you soon. x