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Monday, February 8, 2016

I've been talking to myself.

Over the last couple of days, I've started talking to myself. Exclusively. On camera.

Yesterday, I did it just on a whim. I had woken up that morning anxious and furious. I'd started getting ready for work, and then I snapped.
I threw my washing basket across the room, screamed out 'FUCK THIS', and stormed downstairs.

This isn't a usual thing for me.
I've struggled with anxiety for years now. Through the peaks and troughs of life, it has fluctuated. Unfortunately, lately it has returned.
So I've been consuming. Constantly. I'll read my spiritual text. I'll watch far more Youtube videos than I care to admit. I'll occasionally do my yoga and meditation, but often both of these will be guided.
I've been running my life with external resources. I've been respecting the experiences/thoughts/beliefs of others far more than my own.

Which of course can get bloody confusing. As everyone is different, with different backgrounds and genetics and opinions that have been moulded by their unique life experiences. So not only was I consuming far too much information, it was conflicting information, which has left me more anxious and overwhelmed than ever.

So yesterday I snapped. The thing that was different about yesterday was the anger. I'm not usually the type to throw things. I felt like I could punch something. I had so much built up fury, and I felt like I was seeing red.
Needless to say, I didn't end up working yesterday, or even today. I hate that this can still impact my ability to go to work, particularly after over a year of it being fine.

So last night, I turned on my camera and filmed myself talking.
I spoke about my relationship with myself. I spoke about my relationship with food and spirituality. I spoke about my upcoming wedding day, and my dreams.
And it was bloody nice.

So I did it again today. I'm calling it the 30 days of Self Talk project, or something, it doesn't even matter - because I'm only doing it for myself. It's not something I'll be posting, for a variety of reasons, the main one being - I don't want any feedback. I'm not looking for opinions, or even words of encouragement. I want nothing external from this. I only want my own perspective.

I was watching back the video this morning, and I really enjoyed what I had to say. When I was just talking, not caring or thinking about how things came across, but just talking from my heart... It was real. It was authentic. I felt strangely connected to myself on a new level. Here I was, re-watching this video of some freakin awesome wise chick - and it was me.
No longer was I wasting time scrolling through YouTube, watching various 'inspirational' videos and comparing my real life to someone else's edited one.

I'm not sure if this is a strange concept, but I guess I don't care if it is anyway? It's not a technique or an idea that I've found through reading someone's blog, it's just an idea that I've had, and so far I'm enjoying it.
So if you're constantly looking externally in the attempts of personal development, then stop.
If it's become a means of distraction to stop you from actually doing the work, then stop.
Deep down, beneath all this information that we are consistently bombarded with, lies you, and only you have the answers for your self.

Maybe consider having a chat with yourself?

Saturday, December 19, 2015

The cool change





*


It's summer time in Melbourne, and we don't have air conditioning at home. The days (and nights) are long, hot and relentless. I've started sleeping under a wet towel with the fan blasting. It's probably not the best for me, but it gets me through.



It just started to rain. Those two magical words - 'cool change' - that you never quite believe until it lands on your doorstep. I went outside and stood in the rain, blinking up at the sky. Thank you. Thank you.
While my dog Bella looked over with curiosity from her dry spot under the table, I smiled. Life. The struggle. The battle. The hope. The relief.
The rollercoaster.
The giving and receiving.
The inhale and exhale.


I tend to forget about the peaks and troughs of life until I find myself, once again, in that place of relief and gratitude. It's often only then that I allow myself to reflect and understand. The relearning of life and it's lessons.


*

Hormonally, I'm a little bit of a wreck. Oestrogen dominance, my (wonderful, patient and kind) holistic GP has said. As a result, I'm battling a whole host of challenges in my monthly cycle, primarily the suspected onset of endometriosis.
I've spent the last couple of (sweltering) days mainly on the couch, trying to put up with these often-crippling menstrual pains. I'm no purist. Ibuprofen is not getting the job done, and time is seemingly wasted.


But I'm writing this to reinforce the message of mother nature.
The hard times come and go. It can seem insufferable and unbearable.
Then the cool change arrives.


And we begin again.

Friday, October 30, 2015

I've learnt from the past. So I quit my job.

Wish that girl was me:
(image from pinterest)


Have you ever felt totally stuck at work? I mean, despite the fact that it makes you anxious as all hell, it brings out your inner Negative Nancy, your life feels foggy and unsatisfying... have you still remained there? Day in, day out, you return to that building because (for some insane reason) you think you're stuck?

I have. Two and a half years ago, I was frozen in fear. I was battling ongoing anxiety with weekly acute, painful, rock-bottom panic attacks. I cannot tell you the number of times I sat in my car before work, with that feeling in my gut, the fear paralysing me. The tears running down my cheeks, the late 'I'm sorry I can't come in, I'm sick' calls, the daydreams about crashing my car so I wouldn't have to work (!) ... I experienced it all.
And then, one day, I did it. I quit. I had two jobs at the time, and I resigned from one of them in a heartbeat. I was done. My family and my partner were done with seeing me suffer, too.
Once I picked up my new job (quicker than I expected), I resigned from my second job.

And I felt free.

*

Working as a Practice Nurse at a GP clinic has been fabulous. Truly. I can honestly, hand-on-heart promise you that I've never loved a job like I have this one. I've met some authentic, beautiful souls, and formed amazing friendships and bonds. This sense of community was (and in some ways, still is) new to me. I've always felt like an outsider, and for the first time at a workplace, I felt at home.

The patients have been wonderful. It's given me true faith in aging (we have 102 year olds still kicking it, 90-somethings sky diving, etc!) as well as a increased respect in humanity as a whole. I've learnt that most people are bloody great. Honestly. Most people are kind, patient, understanding souls. Most people are happy to have a laugh. They'll hold your hand when they feel scared. They'll give in to the chatter while you're giving them an injection, even though they know that you're just trying to distract them from the moment (and it usually works anyway).

It can be scary to switch on the news at night, and to see a seemingly increasing number of horror stories. Murders, violence, drug epidemics. It can be overwhelming and disheartening.
Working with the community has given me faith. Most of us have our heads screwed on. Most of us have our hearts in the right place. And we're forgiving, too. We need to be.

*

Looking back, I probably started to drag my feet about 6 months ago. I was losing a bit of my passion and spark. I didn't realise it at the time.
It's been a bit of a turbulent year at work, with a high staff turnover, leaving only myself and one other staff member remaining. 12 resignations (and 12 friends) have walked out that door. I'll be honest, it hasn't felt the same.

It's not only that. I've only just woken up to the importance of stimulation. Variety. Growth.

I've started feeling like I could do my work with my eyes closed. Which, initially, is quite a nice feeling. But we need to keep evolving. We need to grow, to keep our light shining bright.
I woke up to that gradually over the last few months, but I only truly connected to my feelings about that in the last couple of weeks. I realised I wanted to feel excited about nursing again. I needed to get out that defib and reboot my career.

*

About 3 weeks ago, I heard about a job that had popped up at a local skin cancer centre. I'd always been interested in that industry, specifically that particular business.
I told myself 'no.' I told myself that my boss would kill me. I told myself all these excuses about money, and life, and change, and convinced myself that now just wasn't the time.

I was in the work bathroom on the day of hearing about this new job. For some reason, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I closed my eyes begged the Universe for a sign. An obvious sign.

The next morning my first patient started talking about that very same skin clinic. A sign? Probably. Did I listen? Nope.
I've lost count of the continuous signs that I received over that week. Patients raving about the skin clinic, GP's at work mentioning it, people on the street behind me talking about it, old work friends texting me about it.
I ignored it all. I'd let my mind make the decision because it felt practical.

I thought I'd missed my chance, anyway.
Until last week, when I noticed the company mention the available position on their Facebook page. And just like that, I finally woke up. My mind was made.

I sent in my resume, had my interview (and sat back in my car at 11:11am after it) and got the job all within a week.
Yesterday, I resigned from my job.

It might be terrible timing. I have a million things on my plate. It potentially 'won't work out'. My boss probably doesn't like me very much any more.

But you know what? I did this for me. This is one of the most important acts of self-love that I've ever done. I learnt from my past. I recognised the signs. I noticed that I was, again, frozen in fear. Under different circumstances, but with the same basic story. I was letting fear guide my life again.

*

Two and a half years ago, I made a promise to myself to not get stuck any more. To loosen the reigns, to let go of the rules, and relax a little.
I start my new job in two weeks. I'm already out of my comfort zone, leaving work, having to have difficult discussions with people along the way. But I'm so excited to learn something new. I'm so excited to grow and expand and follow what feels good - even when I don't know where it'll lead.

Let's give ourselves permission to keep on living.
Let's remove these invisible cages that keep us locked in.
Let's remember how it feels to thrive, to get uncomfy, to push the boundaries.

I feel so ready to shake things up around here.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Meditation - make your own rules.

I was just about to log off, switch off, and start up my nightly meditation when I realised - I've finally started up a sustainable meditation regime.

It hasn't felt like a chore. I haven't 'fallen off the horse' more times that I can count. I've been trying to cultivate a regular meditation practice for years now, but only in the last couple of months has it stuck. So - why now?

Because I let go of all the bloody (self-imposed) 'rules'.

For a long time, I pushed myself into trying to introduce a morning meditation practice. That seemed to be the most common approach to it - a delicious time of peace before the (often) hectic energy of the day can bombard you.
And it was great. For the days that I was able to push myself to wake up earlier, wriggle out of the loving cuddles from Tim, and plant my butt on that cushion, it was beautiful. But what about the times that I'd prefer to stay in a little longer, remain present with my man, have that moment of stillness and quiet in his arms?
So I'd skip meditation that morning. Then a cycle of guilt, shame and 'should-ing' would commence.

So, now, I meditate in the mornings when it feels right. When I naturally wake up earlier. When I feel that I have the time, or like I need that extra boost for the day ahead.

Now, my meditation routine (for lack of a more desirable word) takes place at night. After work, after the gym, after dinner. I find a window of 15-20 minutes, sit up at my bed, and take some time for stillness. I follow a guided meditation, do some chakra healing, or simply focus on my breathing. Sometimes I light a candle. Sometimes I spend that time looking over my vision board, or I recite affirmations. Whatever tickles my fancy, floats my boat, etc etc!

There's so many benefits to meditation. I'm truly appreciating having that quiet time to connect with myself. To listen to those thoughts that pop up when there's nothing else blocking or clouding that channel. Taking the time to meditate has given me an overall sensation of calm and presence in my day to day life. It's also a big contributor to me reconnecting with creativity and returning to blogging.
I've found meditating at night to be more sustainable. Less sacrificing. Genuinely easier; organic.

It has been a simple 'rule' change with a great impact. Oh, and while we're on the topic - every now and then I even meditate lying down! What a wild child I am! I'm not sure if one blog post can handle this much rebellion?!

Sending love, light, and rule-breaking-fairy-dust in your direction. xo

Thursday, October 1, 2015

'I can't start a blog because I have acne'... and other delusional thoughts

Wow. The house is empty, it's quiet, and I've found myself suddenly... excuse-less.

I'm finding life to be very hectic at the moment. The weeks since our holiday have whizzed by, and here I am almost 3 months later, returning to blogging.

I have a list of different things I want to write about. I have so many interests, so many things I want to try, and constantly have thoughts about different blogging topics. But I'm not blogging.

I procrastinate. I find other things to do. I overconsume - with food, social media.. and then I stop in my tracks. Perhaps my most ridiculous overconsumption is immersing myself in too many self help and spiritual books, podcasts and YouTube videos. My overconsumption of personal development is preventing me from, well, personally developing. The self sabotage... the fear-based mindset. I fill up my spare time with all these things, often productive things, but then get too overwhelmed. I never get my bloody ass on that desk chair, never let my fingers run across that keyboard.

Aside from the overconsumption distraction, my ego also tells me ridiculous delusions that set up more roadblocks.

Some of these delusions include -

- 'I can't start a blog because I have acne' - in this world of social media and online personalities, we have an unrealistic expectation to be perfect. Well, I'm not perfect. Also, the obvious point - in what way could the state of my skin possibly influence my content? Who. Bloody. Cares. What's a spot on a chin between friends, hey?

- 'I don't have enough time' - the biggest joke of all, considering I seem to find and hour or two to waste on Instagram each day. Gulp.

- 'I'm no good at writing' - I've always loved to write, but sometimes that ego sneaks in and brings in doubt. But at this stage, I'm really not writing to anyone but myself. I'm also not writing for anyone but myself.

- 'I'm not doing things perfectly yet' - I never will. And I never really want to - bring on the sleep ins and cuddles that may disrupt any sort of 'morning routine' that I think I 'should' cultivate. I let go of the guilt and the 'shoulds'. While I embrace and thrive on looking after myself, I leave room for flexibility. I choose happy, giggly, quality time with my loved ones above it all. My only job is to feel good!

So here I am! Typing away. Not claiming to be perfect in any way. Just being here. Returning to loving thoughts, returning to presence, and just playing with it as I go.

Are you ready to observe the road blocks in your life? Are you ready to let go of your delusions? I am.

Until next time, loves. x

Monday, July 20, 2015

Take a break, to open doors

We went to the UK and Europe for seven weeks, and I had some of the greatest moments of my life.

I kept a journal throughout our travels, and I'll be blogging about that all soon. Just thinking of reliving it through words bring a smile to my face!

(approaching Arthurs Seat trail in Edinburgh, Scotland.)

I've had mixed emotions coming back home. Excitement - ready for the new chapter of house buying/wedding planning (yep, he popped the question!!), but also that end-of-holiday dread that many of us know well. Last Monday morning, I skipped into work. I felt expanded, open. My head felt clear. Everything was exactly the same, but this time I felt a little different. But I'll be honest here - there was a niggling bit of fear in the back of my mind. I no longer had my holiday holding me back from making a change in my work life. I've come home, and there's wide open space and time. I've come home, and it was Time To Make A Decision.

But you know what? It's been a week now, and I'm trying a new approach. I'm taking a hiatus from planning and analysing. I'm putting aside this (incredibly unhelpful) self-induced pressure. For now, there is so much change and drama surrounding me. So, for now, I'm sitting back and observing.

*

I'd put so much pressure on myself to have a life altering epiphany on my holiday. I even 'joked' to my friends that my Epiphany Day was scheduled for our train ride from Paris to Switzerland. I imagined myself gazing out the window to the French countryside, and it was supposed to 'come to me'. But it didn't.
I've arrived home, yes - lighter, happier, but in many ways, the same.

It's funny - we are surrounded by the Wild's and the Eat Pray Love's of the world, and we get these expectation of our travelling experiences.
But - what if we don't find ourselves? What if that Epiphany Day didn't materialise?
For me, I've learnt that it simply means it wasn't meant to. It reminded me to stop looking externally for self-fulfilling purposes. The holiday still provided me with so much, and it simply meant that I had other treasures to search for - or in this case, souvenirs.

For me, a week after being home, one of my most apparent souvenirs from our holiday has been space. This openness and expansion.
And it's funny. Just by taking a break, and finding this inner-space, I have been opening doors.
While I have seemingly been sitting back, observing, and practicing patience, opportunities have arisen. I am now facing a promotion at work which will potentially provide me with both better pay and improved working hours. With better hours, I can find (flexible!) structure in my life. To me, this means being able to schedule in time for self care (yoga, meditation, exercise), as well as spending more time with loved ones. I am faced with something I didn't even realise I was truly craving in my life.

I don't know what will come of it all, but through this I have been reminded of something I forget from time to time - We are being guided. We are being supported.

'If you knew who walked beside you on this path that you have chosen, fear would be impossible
- A Course In Miracles.

Take a break, to open doors. Trust. And sit back to see what comes your way.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Pre-clarity

In this time, I'm again finding myself feeling a little foggy, a little lost, a little scared.

The desire and dreams to want to make changes, combined with that fear-based mindset that says - I'm too old, it's too late, it's a waste of time.

I've been a bit wonky with my self care. My eating has lost it's healthy-morals. I'm not meditating, doing yoga or exercising on any sort of regular basis. I feel sporadic. Confused. Sometimes angry; spiteful. A bit negative.

I've been whinging a lot at work. I'm told to remove toxic people from my life, but that isn't always possible in a working environment. I stood alone in the tea room a few days ago, looking around at the empty space. These four walls that once symbolised new beginnings, belonging and comfort. My energy towards this workplace has altered. 'I'm done,' I whispered to myself; to the Universe. 'I'm done.'

It seems that once again, a holiday has arrived at a time of significant change, mindset shifts, redirection. Despite my fogginess and this pestering negativity, I know that this time away will serve me to recharge again, gain some perspective and return with clarity.

I can't go back and change things. I'm not even certain if I would if given the chance. I can only do what I can, in this given moment, and watch what unfolds next.

25 days.